"So what do you do for a living", even when I could still work this is so often such a loaded question and you know you're going to be judged based on your answer and enthusiasm level. I doubt that I am the only one who dreads this question. And really all I want to do is bust out my inner Tina and sing some "Proud Mary" maybe it would distract them and I'd never have to actually answer.
Because I believe in being honest I will admit I'm on disability....then of course so many times comes the automatic judgement and disgust. Like I'm no longer worthy to breathe the same air. Maybe I'm just to sensitive, but then comes the "you? you look fine to me, why are You on disability? and that you is almost always very snide. I know I could just choose to say nothing and walk away, or tell them it's none of their business, but I can't bring myself to do that. So once again I explain, I explain the large holes in my SI joints that make it impossible for me to bend past touching my knees, or to sit or stand or walk for more than a few minutes at a time without changing. I explain how my right arm can't raise above my head and I can't even brush my hair with it most days. I explain how the swelling in my eyes gets so bad that they burn and the world looks as is I'm looking through a kaleidoscope. I explain the pain I live with every day as my body attacks itself over and over.
But really why do I feel I have to defend myself, why is it their business. They don't really care that I live with Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia, Iritis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Carpal Tunnel, Scoliosis, Arthralgia TMJ, and Chondromalacia Pattellae in both knees. They don't care that I've worked since I was 15 sometimes holding down three jobs while going to school, until I couldn't anymore. All they care about is that I look healthy other than being overweight and automatically assume I'm a fat lazy chick living off the system. Add to that the fact I'm a single mom and my fate is sealed. I don't bother to say I've never been on welfare, or that my ex only occasionally can be bothered to pay child support so I'm not living off of that either. Because even if they actually cared, it wouldn't matter. Judgement has been cast, I'm guilty because all they can see is the outside and the fact that I keep smiling so I must be fine.
There are times it's really hard not to lash out. Should I use the cane the doctor thinks I should so that people have a visual that says she really is disabled. Well as long as I can walk just grabbing onto walls or railings or pushing a cart or stroller I'm not going to. Would it make it more acceptable if I didn't bother to smile. If I let the pain I hide show through. I don't know, but for my monkeys I'm not going to find out.
So judge me, assume I'm a lazy mooch living off the system. If it makes you feel big then go for it. But if some part of you is reading this saying I wonder how many people I've judged unfairly simply because I couldn't see their pain. Whether 2 or 92 when you look at a person, maybe you should think twice before jumping to conclusions. Maybe take a few minutes and get to know the real them. Ask how someone is, with the intention of listening and caring about the answer. Be willing to look past what's on the outside good or bad, and get to know the real person. You don't know what someone else is going through, so maybe we should all be a lot slower to judge and a lot quicker to love. And if you are asking someone what they do just so you can define them and fit them into a box, Don't. Please for me! What does it matter how they make their living? If you become friends I'm sure you will find out what the person does.
I will keep on smiling and for my kids sake do my darnedest every day not to let the pain come through any more than it does. But, that doesn't mean a part of me isn't hurt by the looks of disgust, that my heart doesn't feel stepped on when you all of a sudden are to busy to keep our kids play date for the unforeseeable future, only after you find out I live on disability. I would happily give up all my pain and work full time again. Yes I look at the bright side of things and enjoy being there for my kids, and that I'm able to take care of my Gram full time, but that doesn't mean I would think twice about taking a cure if they found one and jumping right back into a full time job.
END RANT :)
Now on a lighter note, I have been so exhausted this week and I totally feel like the walking dead. Hmm not sure this is a lighter note...anyhow. When I was talking to my sister she got a song stuck in my head that I feel the need to share so it will be stuck in yours. I've been singing it for three days straight. I absolutely LOVE the voice of the lead singer in the Cranberries and this song has always been one of my favorites as crazy as that sounds. "Zombie" The video is so in your face, but so bizarre, it's really something that stays with you.
Because of my exhaustion this week I needed some easy comfort food one night so I made something that just totally hit the spot. It's something I picked up from an Italian lady I was a nanny for back in college.
This is actually fairly healthy as well, especially as far as comfort food goes. I take a piece of Pita bread, spread some sun-dried tomato hummus on it to the edges, then for grins and giggles a few pepperoni (that's my own addition, but I love pepperoni), then top with some crumbled feta. Toast in the toaster oven at about 400 for 3-4 minutes till the cheese softens and voila!
It is sooooo yummmy, really you must try it. Now I do not think this would work in the microwave, I've never tried it though because I'm not a fan of microwaves at all. You could put it on a pizza pan in the oven or just on the rack though and it would be fine. I put mine on the rack in my toaster oven so that the pita toasts nicely on the bottom. I cheated and used store bought hummus. I know I'm shocked at myself too, but I really really have been exhausted this week. I will post my hummus recipe as soon as I get measurements worked out for you all. It is another one of those things where I just throw things in the food processor till it looks and tastes good.
This is one of those things that I can't eat without thinking about college and that makes me think about my first love. RIP Chris, you are loved and missed more than you ever could of imagined.
You know how it goes; you associate something with a time or place or feeling and the memories flood in. So now I'm singing "Strawberry Wine" far cry from where this post started but I'll end here and go to bed singing about Strawberry wine and the hot July moon that saw everything :)
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